“I’m so stressed lately. I’ve been using my coping skills, but it’s just not working!”
This is one of the most common things I hear from clients who are making progress in treatment. I know how frustrating it can be. You’ve established lots of healthy behaviors like physical activity, healthy hobbies, good sleep, and social interactions, and suddenly, it doesn’t seem to be working anymore. It’s understandable to feel anxious that these skills are no longer enough.
There are lots of factors that could be impacting the way that you feel and your ability to cope. Let’s a take a deep breath and take a look at what might be going on.
Are you facing a crisis or increased external stress?
Increased external stress — often the kind that’s out of your control — is almost always a factor when coping skills feel less effective. For example, right now we’re all living through a global pandemic and an economic crisis in the middle of a highly contested election year. Everything feels harder right now. It makes sense that the coping skills that helped you feel balanced under more typical circumstances may not feel like enough right now.
There are lots of more common life circumstances that could create this problem, too. Big transitions — like a move, a new job, a divorce, grief, parenting stress, new or worsening health problems — these can all lead to a temporary increase in external stress that may leave you feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope effectively.
Have your healthy habits changed?
Sometimes, complicated problems have simple explanations. Consider your routine. Are you eating poorly? Sleeping less? Fighting more with your partner? Picking up extra responsibility at work? Any changes in the routine that was previously working for you can have a snowball effect that negatively impacts your overall mood and ability to cope.
I always encourage clients to get back to basics when they encounter a setback. Eat healthy meals, prioritize sleep, get some exercise, take your meds, make time every day for something that revitalizes you rather than draining you.
Are you trying to cope … or avoid?
Perhaps the biggest misconception with anxiety is that treatment can eliminate anxiety. Anxiety is uncomfortable, and we want to make it go away. But anxiety is a normal and healthy emotional response to stress. The goal is to manage it and reduce its negative impact, not eliminate it.
Coping skills aren’t a magic wand. This is why people experiencing anxiety and depression often get frustrated by well meaning suggestions to “meditate” or “do some yoga” or “try coloring.” These things can be helpful in managing the symptoms, but even the healthiest self care routine won’t eliminate stress and anxiety from your life.
Give yourself some credit.
Ask yourself, are your expectations realistic? Are you frustrated because your coping skills aren’t eliminating the negative feelings entirely? Often, we are “coping” much better than we think we are. If you’re getting out of bed each day, (mostly) managing the essential responsibilities, getting to work, caring for yourself and your kids — sometimes during stressful times, that’s enough.
It may be really, really hard. You may be completely drained at the end of the day. It’s normal to face short-term increases in stress that overwhelm you.
Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Sometimes during these difficult times, we just have to go into survival mode, take care of the bare minimum, and get through it.
Are your coping skills helping more than you think?
Coping requires a lot of energy. Those healthy behaviors that help us manage stress can also feel draining. Self care isn’t always fun.
When it feels like it’s not working, it can be hard to muster the energy to keep it up. I see a similar pattern with clients who use medication as part of their treatment plan. When you’ve been doing better for a while, your baseline shifts. It’s easy to forget the lowest lows. Suddenly, if doesn’t feel like the medication is working anymore. Sometimes people make the decision to stop taking it because “what’s the point?”
And then comes a big crash, and a desperate call to the prescriber to get a refill because it turns out that medication was working better than they thought.
This can happen with coping skills, too. It may not feel like it’s helping, but those healthy habits could be the difference between a rough few weeks of feeling drained and overwhelmed and a months-long major depressive episode. If it feels like you’re just barely getting by, now is not the time to give up your healthy habits.
It’s okay to prioritize.
Your self care routine shouldn’t stress you out. It may be necessary to cut back to the essentials during difficult times. Sometimes it’s necessary to shift into survival mode for a little while. That may mean just the basics — healthy meals, as much sleep as possible, consistent medication, at least one positive activity every day. Use caution when it comes to unhealthy ways of coping like alcohol or junk food.
It’s important to evaluate what you can tolerate each day and push yourself just a little if you can. Some days, it may be a major accomplishment just to get out of bed and go to work. It’s okay to go to bed early. But if you feel a little better in the morning, try to push yourself to take a walk or complete a household chore you’ve been putting off. It may take some time to work back up to your normal level of productivity, but don’t let yourself get stuck in survival mode too long.
When to seek help.
Survival mode may be necessary for a little while, but it’s not sustainable. If you’re experiencing a long term crisis, and you’ve been in survival mode for more than a few weeks, it’s probably time to see a therapist or talk to your current therapist about adjusting your treatment plan. It may make sense to talk with your prescriber about your medication, too. You likely need to make some bigger changes to reduce stress or build resilience.
If your symptoms are severe enough that you’re not functioning — if you can’t even work up the energy to get out of bed and do the bare minimum for longer than a day or two — it’s time to seek more support.